Paths

When is it time to leave a place?
How can one truly ever know?
When is it time to just move on
To not look back, to just go?

The list of reasons for me
To not be in this place is long
Most simple to sum them up:
I simply do not belong

Fast than the clock moves
My body grows old
While to those I love
Memories of me grow cold

Old before what should be time
But still this body trails my mind
It is failing now so quickly
The calendar is so unkind

A lifetime I have spent preparing
Always for the future distant
A future that never comes to be
Just more time fruitlessly spent

I put aside my wants and dreams
In favor of my responsibilities
Following other’s rules and wishes
Allowing to evaporate other possibilities

Always just one more year
One more hurdle to pass
Never turning a corner
Always more cares amass

Finally I shouted no more
I will not follow that way
It is not on me to only give
Without even having a say

I tried to shed responsibilities
That others burdened on me
Make choices for myself, by myself
One time have my own wishes to be

But those plans and fantasies
I allowed others to crush each one
Things I promised myself
Life made sure I would reach none

I have had enough of such things
I will not take any more
Those things are no longer mine
It is no longer my chore

I am old. I am tired
I do not want to start again
But I will no longer just sit and serve
Is that really such a sin

If it is, so be it
Because no longer am I life’s slave
I do not have much longer
And all I have to give, I gave

I said to many long ago
I stayed because I had something to do
I would try to answer the call
But what was the call I had no clue

I have since done some things
Help occasionally I’ve been able to give
And it has helped within me feel
I still had purpose in life to live

I cannot truly not though say
That I know I still have that call
I think I have reached the point
I may have now given my all

I may be wrong, in what I see
But the end of the path seems near
As I listen to the world around me
The song coming to me is not of fear

If I continue the way I have
It has only one path to follow
One without any draw for me
Just more of life’s pills to swallow

But now I can take a turn to the left
Or there is a fork that also leads right
I am not sure yet which I will take
Because their destination is not in sight

The one that is straight there is no doubt
That destination is much too clear
It only holds more of burden’s chains
Pain that pierce as deep as a spear

There are many places in life to be alone
Often filled with people all around
Places filled with the constant din of voices
Where your own throat cannot make a sound.

Never can one be so alone
As in a crowd that does not care
Considers you but in the way
Steals anything you try to share

I live in isolation and indifference
Lonely but never truly alone
With days passing by unnoticed
Unable to tell you if sun had shown

I would rather be by myself
As I try to find my way
Than pretend anything will change
As I try to keep despair at bay

What will find on that path
Where it leads is a mystery
But the other option is see:
Continue reliving painful history

I may meet friends I know only here
And in the recesses of my mind
I may once more end up regretting
The things I again leave behind

On that path there may be a river
Mountains, and a quiet lake
I don’t know what I want to find
Life will change with each step I take


G - May 2009